About three months ago, I met this guy online. At first, I thought he was a bit arrogant — but something inside me bade me to talk to him.

We connected almost immediately and began corresponding at length about anything and everything. It helped me; I was getting over a breakup, and shortly after, I found out he had a girlfriend he was having major problems with. We bonded over our relationship issues. It was at this point I realized I was falling for him, but I was torn between that and feelings for my ex, which was a recent breakup and was another soul I was connected with. I tried to help my friend with his relationship even knowing I liked him, and without trying to push him away from her– I took a ‘whatever happens, happens’ attitude– even though intuitively knew it wouldn’t last with her. And even though we were emotionally connected, I began pushing him away from me. Pretending I didn’t like him, downplaying my strengths, uplaying my flaws. Pointing out our differences. I was scared I’d fall deeper and I’m not the kind of girl to go after someone that is taken, so I kept trying to convince myself couldn’t fall in love; that he wasn’t right for me, that I didn’t like him like that. But part of me was already in love with him.

Later, I found a journal entry I wrote six months prior where I listed traits I wanted in a partner. Suddenly, I realized he had all of them but three, out of about twenty. They were extremely specific traits and it was before I met him. One of my points was ‘younger than me’ — he was five years younger. Suddenly I wondered, did I manifest him in my life? Was I pushing something away that was meant to be?

I’m chubby — I told him as much– and even though he was reassuring of all my flaws, (in hindsight, this was telling) I was too scared to show him my picture. I was scared he wouldn’t be attracted, so I never showed him, and he never asked. But I started losing weight. I have lost weight, and I’m still losing weight. Not because of fear he wouldn’t accept me, but because essentially he just inspires me to be a better person. He was motivational, without knowing it but I think he’s just an inspiring person in general. I really felt I wanted to be his friend forever; walk through life with him always there in some capacity, even if it wasn’t as soul mates or lovers. He even said to me once, ‘don’t think I’ll ever stop replying; I cherish our communication.’

But he did stop replying. Around the end of March, he suddenly withdrew from me. Completely and abruptly. This hurt me. It conflicted with everything he told me in the past. I wrote to him a couple of times casually, then another couple times–eventually told him his silence was hurting me, and I cared about him like a brother, and what as up? Miscommunication is my biggest pet peeve. But he still didn’t reply. Fearing I was coming across as crazy stalkery lady, I withdrew 100% as well, promising myself I wouldn’t write again.

And I haven’t, so here we are.

He meant so much to me. I still care and think about him all the time, even though it’s been over a month since I heard from him. I still feel connected to him, even now, even still. Sometimes I think we connected in a past life or were connected on another plane of existence. I’m not sure if this is residuals from that or something from us in the future.

I have a couple of theories as to why he withdrew. That he was sick of me, that it became a chore, he thought I was weird, someone advised against writing to me, he began realizing feelings for me, or she found out and forbade it– even though nothing happened between us. Or perhaps he was scared because we had begun to rely on each other emotionally too much. Our connection was becoming strong and it was kind of scary, so that when he withdrew, I actually kind of went into withdrawls. It hurt me deeply. Maybe it was just me, though.

About two weeks ago, I did a meditation excercise to see if I could connect with him. I imagined a lake, and I imagined both of us. I was imagining a line between us but as I did, I saw that between us, there was a glass-like wall, that was crumbling and breaking away. He was looking at me through the wall. I walked over, and we touched hands through the gaps in the wall. I felt the wall was his girlfriend. Yesterday, I did the exercise again. This time the wall was almost completely gone, broken away. It was on the far bank of the lake, but it was solid there. This time, he wasn’t standing near me, but he was standing looking at the wall. I got the impression the wall was pulling away from him, forging ahead into the surrounding forest. He was standing at the very edge of the lake, on the bank, staring at the wall. It looked like he was on the verge of losing his girlfriend and was staring longingly. I got his attention, but when he looked at me, he looked sad. I got the feeling he felt guilty towards me. I smiled and said I was always his friend and to never feel guilty. And I let go of the connection.

I’m not sure if this is right, I’m not that in touch with my abilities.

I can’t really deny that I’m in love with him, even still. Deep down in my heart, I want to be with him forever. I can see it; I’ve envisioned having his child before– I somehow feel it would be a girl. I still have a deep feeling inside we’ll meet someday, and be together– but it feels at least a year into the future. I’ve asked for insight and signs appear to point to yes whenever I ask– but I worry I’m just wishful thinking or seeing what I want to see.

So what is the reason he withdrew from me? Will he ever come back, even as a friend? Did I ever mean anything to him? Should I write again someday? Or be patient and wait for him to find me? Or am I stupid for feeling connected to someone that doesn’t feel connected to me any longer? Is there any hope for us? Or do I need to move on?

Thank you for your help and insight. I’m sorry about the length. I’ve just never felt this way about anyone, before.